Fitness personality Jillian Michaels is extremely concerned about my workout pants. And according to an article in "Racked" she "knows I am paying too much" for them. You can imagine my surprise. Before today I did not realize Jillian even knew I existed, and to discover she is taking an active interest in my wardrobe actually concerns me. How did Jillian come by this information? How are my pants any of her business? Does this meet the legal definition for stalking?
This does bring up an interesting point about workout attire, though. There are clearly two competing views about workout attire:
View 1: Workout clothing is something guaranteed to get sweaty and dirty because I... workout in it. There is almost no scenario where my workout shirts will not have large circles of sweat in the armpit region. Even on a light day there will be the tell-tale "Triangle of Perspiration" on the back of my shorts. I therefore, knowing I will sweat, wear primarily old t-shirts and shorts I find on the sale rack at a major retailer. I wear this clothing almost exclusively to the gym, while riding a bicycle or while running around the neighborhood. I am sweaty and gross. If I get close enough to another human for them to notice my wardrobe they are almost always distracted by the "odor of success" emanating from every pore of my body. They are not evaluating my clothing choices they distancing themselves from me as quickly as possible! I feel View 1 has a certain amount of logic.
View2: Workout clothing is something for which I pay obscene amounts of money and wear everywhere except the gym so people can see how firm my butt looks while I shop for Hamburger Helper. An alarming number of people have started to adopting View 2. I will be at Safeway trying to determine if produce is organic or inorganic when a seemingly normal, slightly overweight lady in her 50's will walk by wearing black skin-tight stretchy pants, a tank top and her hair tied up in a "pony." She appears as though at any moment she will grab a bag of bulk rice and perform 3 sets of 12 power cleans. She appears this way until you realize she spent approximately 4 hours perfecting her make-up application. Not only did she not just come from a workout, there is absolutely no danger she will workout in the near future. I fail to see any logic with this view.
Here is where view two backfires. If you are prone to spontaneously performing acts of exercise and fitness throughout the day regardless of how appropriate the setting, your body should reflect this habit. You should have rock-hard abs, definition in every part of your arms, 4 obvious muscles making up your quadriceps, and calves for which Marilyn Monroe would kill her neighbor. Unfortunately this only occurs when you actually workout all the time, not just because you wear workout clothing all the time. You instead tend to be betrayed by irregular shapes in your lower extremities, semi-tubular arms and a soft, protective coating around your abs.
So how, exactly, do we stop this? I say we start a movement! We ask all retailers, restaurants, or other places of public gathering to implement the "Fitness Alarm!" At regular intervals the "Fitness Alarm" would sound. Trained "Fitness Officials" would lunge out of the shadows and compel anyone wearing fitness attire to perform an actual act of fitness! People would be standing in the baked goods isle, wearing their spandex, when the alarm sounds! From out of nowhere large, stern officials insist people begin "FIFTEEN BURPIES!" Startled "View Twoers" would immediately launch into fits of exercise. The rest of us, of course, will enjoy a hardy laugh and take all the good donuts.
So Jillian, if you are listening (and somehow I suspect you are) we need your help. We need your pseudo-celebrity status to get alarms set up everywhere. We need you to get the word out for our movement. We need you to focus on something other than my pants! For more great ideas for spontaneous and other fitness tips visit www.canyonptandf.com today!
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