A few years back a very clever group of people (I assume old men) convinced another group of perhaps not so clever people (young, attractive women) that pole dancing was not just a way for old men to pay young women to do highly inappropriate things with a brass pole while in various states of undress. The women, not the pole. The poles remained fully clothed. "Oh no!" They insisted, "Pole Dancing is perfectly appropriate in a family setting and is the absolute BEST way to make your butt firm and your legs look amazing."
Women who would not normally do anything more risque than wear a v-neck sweater were suddenly hanging upside down with their legs wrapped around a pole the very health-conscious men in their lives installed in the basement, livingroom, fitness studio with large windows opening up to a major state highway or other appropriate location. From this position these women would be performing moves normally reserved for, well, strippers.
As the Pole Dancing Fitness craze starts to die down we have to ask ourselves, "What did we learn from this trend?" The answer is, of course, some women will do anything if they think it will positively affect their butts and legs. Let's say I have a muscular person stand next to a public toilet last cleaned during the Bush administration. I then announce she is a "FITNESS EXPERT AS SEEN ON TV." This fitness expert starts jumping up and down and announces, with unbridled enthusiasm, the newest way to tighten your butt and have perfect legs: "TOILET BOWL SCRUBBING!!" I would show image after image of incredibly fit women scrubbing toilets with high energy music blasting in the background. Their butts and legs would, of course look amazing! You KNOW the world would suddenly have cleaner bathrooms!
Now before I start getting angry messages from all the smart, beautiful women reading this, I will point out I was exaggerating to make a point. But according to a recent article in the highly respected publication "My Daily," I am not that far off. I have never, not once, heard a woman say anything positive about high heeled shoes other than "Oh those are SO CUTE!" I have never heard the phrase, "Well I forgot my workout shoes, so I will just wear my pumps today." And yet according to the article, "The stiletto is the latest American fitness craze."
How is that possible, you ask? High heeled shoes are an evil invention designed for the sole purpose of torturing women, you thought? Well guess what? According to this article and Personal Trainer (FITNESS EXPERT) Nikki Manashe, doing lunges and squats and sit-ups in high heeled shoes will, you guessed it! tighten your bottom, and tone up your thighs! I assume this craze will last until a different fitness expert announces it is almost impossible to have a firm butt and awesome looking legs if you have two broken ankles.
For more fun and actually effective fitness programs visit www.canyonptandf.com Afterall there is a reason we have a reputation for having the cleanest public bathrooms in Colorado!
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
5 Must Do Steps to Becoming a Meathead
The blog is back! I am going to take a little break from exploring the pros and cons of various fitness technology and how it affects normal people and focus more on things I find entertaining and somewhat less informative. Today we will begin with one of my personal favorites:
I am often asked, "Tom, how do I go about alienating all of my friends, turning simple social gatherings into miserably awkward events, and appear as though I might tip over in a light breeze?"
"That's easy," I reply, "You must simply follow the 5 must do steps to becoming a Meathead."
Step 1: Purchase several tank tops with clever slogans. Here are some actual examples: "I flexed and the sleeves fell off," Exercise until the body obeys," or simply "BEAST MODE!!" Note the double exclamation point to demonstrate how serious you are about this particular MODE!! You should wear one of these everywhere you go including but not limited to: the grocery store, your child's school functions, professional sporting events or church. Step 1 clearly establishes how serious you are about fitness.
Step 2: Purchase $1000's worth of nutritional supplements. In keeping with our theme, the supplements should have clever names such as, and I swear I am not making these up: Hot-Rox Extreme, Fahrenheit: The metabolism break-through for women, and BrainCandy. These should be consumed only while in an appropriate public setting such as at a restaurant, coffee shop, or dinner party. I should note there are many very useful nutritional supplements with very boring names. Under no circumstances should you purchase or consume any of those.
Step 3: Pick out an impressive sounding gym franchise and use the name in a sentence 10 - 20 times per day. Let me be clear. Although you CAN join a gym, it is certainly not required. What is important is talking about it loudly and often! "Well I better get over to DEATH GRIP GLUTE FACTORY for my awesome abs and bis workout."
Or, "I just spent 5 hours shredding my shoulders at DEATH GRIP GLUTE FACTORY." People will immediately respect you for your serious approach to your personal fitness.
Step 4: Discuss every meal you have ever had and how it affected your workouts. People, especially those trying to lose weight, love to hear about your eating habits. Try this simple formula to impress even the novice exerciser, "I just ate 6 pounds of (insert favorite dead animal), 8 bowls of cheese covered (favorite pasta) and an entire (Fruit) pie. I LOVE THE BULKING PHASE!" Keep in mind every phase is a bulking phase so it really does not matter what you are doing at the gym (assuming you actually step foot in one) so do not worry about specific details.
Step 5: Walk as though a large man with an extensive criminal history has inserted a pole approximately the size of a field artillery unit into your butt. Man or woman, the walk completes the picture. You must demonstrate to the world your massive legs and arms make it virtually impossible to move like a human. They are, infact, so massive just moving them around is a workout. If you move too quickly you are in danger of assaulting innocent bystanders so each movement must be a very stiff, very deliberate act.
And there you have it! You are now officially a meathead. You too will be one of the elite who talks about fitness more than any normal person would actually workout. Now if you will excuse me I just took my Turbo Blast 1000 Xtreme, so I need to head on over to The MASSIVE CALF FACTORY and shred my obliques!
I am often asked, "Tom, how do I go about alienating all of my friends, turning simple social gatherings into miserably awkward events, and appear as though I might tip over in a light breeze?"
"That's easy," I reply, "You must simply follow the 5 must do steps to becoming a Meathead."
Step 1: Purchase several tank tops with clever slogans. Here are some actual examples: "I flexed and the sleeves fell off," Exercise until the body obeys," or simply "BEAST MODE!!" Note the double exclamation point to demonstrate how serious you are about this particular MODE!! You should wear one of these everywhere you go including but not limited to: the grocery store, your child's school functions, professional sporting events or church. Step 1 clearly establishes how serious you are about fitness.
Step 2: Purchase $1000's worth of nutritional supplements. In keeping with our theme, the supplements should have clever names such as, and I swear I am not making these up: Hot-Rox Extreme, Fahrenheit: The metabolism break-through for women, and BrainCandy. These should be consumed only while in an appropriate public setting such as at a restaurant, coffee shop, or dinner party. I should note there are many very useful nutritional supplements with very boring names. Under no circumstances should you purchase or consume any of those.
Step 3: Pick out an impressive sounding gym franchise and use the name in a sentence 10 - 20 times per day. Let me be clear. Although you CAN join a gym, it is certainly not required. What is important is talking about it loudly and often! "Well I better get over to DEATH GRIP GLUTE FACTORY for my awesome abs and bis workout."
Or, "I just spent 5 hours shredding my shoulders at DEATH GRIP GLUTE FACTORY." People will immediately respect you for your serious approach to your personal fitness.
Step 4: Discuss every meal you have ever had and how it affected your workouts. People, especially those trying to lose weight, love to hear about your eating habits. Try this simple formula to impress even the novice exerciser, "I just ate 6 pounds of (insert favorite dead animal), 8 bowls of cheese covered (favorite pasta) and an entire (Fruit) pie. I LOVE THE BULKING PHASE!" Keep in mind every phase is a bulking phase so it really does not matter what you are doing at the gym (assuming you actually step foot in one) so do not worry about specific details.
Step 5: Walk as though a large man with an extensive criminal history has inserted a pole approximately the size of a field artillery unit into your butt. Man or woman, the walk completes the picture. You must demonstrate to the world your massive legs and arms make it virtually impossible to move like a human. They are, infact, so massive just moving them around is a workout. If you move too quickly you are in danger of assaulting innocent bystanders so each movement must be a very stiff, very deliberate act.
And there you have it! You are now officially a meathead. You too will be one of the elite who talks about fitness more than any normal person would actually workout. Now if you will excuse me I just took my Turbo Blast 1000 Xtreme, so I need to head on over to The MASSIVE CALF FACTORY and shred my obliques!
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